SQUID GAMES

How to cook calamari so it's scorchy, tender, sweet and curly.

‘Cut away and discard the anus’ is one of my favourite lines in a recipe, ever. It is always written in reference to squid or calamari, referring to the hard, inedible sphere lurking in the centre of the tentacles. This is actually a collective mouth and anus, more delicately known as the “beak”.

But the line still makes me smile because it means the writer of the recipe is trying to avoid euphemisms and tell it like it is. Nobody wants euphemisms for dinner. They want curly calamari and chorizo, that’s what they want, and they want it cooked in three minutes flat.

The truth is that calamari (squid) come with heads, eyes, intestines, tentacles, and ink sacs, which puts a lot of people off. They are also slippery and slimy. But when cleaned and prepped with care, they are very delicious.

So much more delicious than the defrosted white rubber bands, heavy with absorbed water, that pass for calamari rings in the shops.

So here’s how to clean calamari, because when you know how to do that, quickly and easily and without fear, you will have a fresher, better and more satisfying outcome than when you buy it already cleaned. It’s enabling. Plus, you get the tentacles, which are even more fun to eat. This method is designed to keep the tubes whole so you can accordion-cut them along one side - the secret behind them curling in the pan. So much more interesting than fried rings or flabby flaps, because every bit of the squid differs in texture and scorch.

HOW TO CLEAN SQUID (and why you will need a chopstick)

+ Take over the kitchen sink - this is your domain. Set up a chopping board and knife next to it. Keep the paper the squid was wrapped in, to wrap up the innards.

+ Grasp the body in one hand and the head in another, and gently twist and pull the head away and out of the body. It will come with gooey innards attached, just leave them in the sink for now.

+ Gently pull the wing away from the body (and cook alongside). Peel off any skin.

+ Pull out the clear inner ‘quill’ and discard.

+ Cut off the tentacles just below the eyes, and squeeze to reveal the bony ‘beak’, the small sphere that pops out. It’s inedible, so cut off and discard.

+  Gather up all the stuff that isn’t the tubes and tentacles (you’re keeping those), wrap in the paper and stow in the rubbish.

+ Rinse the tubes and tentacles well.

+ Just when you think you have finished, rinse the tubes again, digging right down to the tail end with a chopstick, and getting out the stuff that’s in there. Pat dry, and you’re ready to rock and roll.

Note that you can winkle out the silvery ink sacs from the innards and press them to release the ink into a tablespoon of water, to use in cooking risotto or pasta sauce. Wear gloves for this, or your fingernails will look like Frankenstein’s.

Note also that two of the arms/tentacles are exceptionally long - just snip them into manageable lengths.

I once described how to clean calamari on radio, only for my interviewer to say he hoped no children were listening. I hope they were - it’s just the sort of thing kids love.

Yes, I burnt the chorizo, but I got the shot.

CURLY CALAMARI AND CHORIZO

This is my new favourite way of cooking calamari this way – outside, with plenty of smoke, in a cast iron pan. You may need to tone it down if cooking inside, but you’re still looking for a scorchy, smoky, fast-cooked result. Serve with a simple parsley lemon couscous you can base on this one here. A handful of oven-roasted tomatoes would also be divine.

• 4 medium-sized calamari and tentacles, cleaned

• 2 fresh chorizo or spicy sausages

• 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil, more for serving

• Handful of parsley leaves, roughly chopped

• Half lemon for squeezing

• Sea salt and pepper

Place the handle of a wooden spoon into the calamari tube, and cut cross-wise  at regular intervals – the wood will stop you from cutting completely through, so that one side of the tube remains intact. Take a look at the pic below and you’ll see how that looks.

Toss the tubes gently with olive oil and sea salt.

Skin the chorizo and squeeze the sausage into small bite-size lumps – or chop it, whatever works.

Heat a pan (cast iron, for best results), and sizzle the chorizo blobs for 30 seconds. Add the calamari one or two at a time. As soon as they hit the heat of the pan, they will frazzle and start shrinking into the curl.

You may need to whip out the chorizo by now before it burns, allowing the paprika juices left to flavour and scorch the calamari.

Remove calamari to a warm plate as soon as it is scorchy and curly (2 mins one side, 1 min the other, depending on your heat), and cook the rest.

To serve, arrange calamari on large serving platter, scatter with chorizo and parsley, sea salt and pepper, and add a dribble of extra virgin olive oil and a hefty squeeze of lemon.

(And yes I did burn the chorizo, and I knew it was burning but I still didn’t have the shot, so the doing-the-blog part of my brain said ‘keep going and take the shot’, over-riding the cook part of my brain that said ‘but it’s burning’).

Thanks for dropping by! And thanks for your comments and suggestions. Special thanks to Terry being that person who decides he wants squid and will drive to the fish market to get it. It’s not exactly heading out to catch it in the Hawkesbury, but it’s close enough. And look what you can find inside sometimes, swallowed whole!

I would also like to acknowledge the traditional owners of the lands and waters upon which I work, live, cook and play; the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation, and pay my respects to Elders past and present, and to the continuing strength and resilience of First Nations people, communities and cultures.